Hi my name is Nicole,

For as long as I can remember, I have always been different to other girls. Growing up as a twin with my sister, we dressed the same and kinda looked the same, as we got older and became our own personality I noticed that I was not just different to other girls but also my twin, though when I was younger I wore dresses and played dress up but looking back at pictures it I am uncomfortable.

My mum said that when she use to put me in a dress I use to scream and want it taken off. For my mum this was when she notice that I was different to my twin sister, it was also the time I became much more interested in what is considered a 'boys' things like football etc.
When I was about 6 or 7, it was the time that I fell in love with football which 15 years later is still a passion of mine. I started wearing the clothes I wanted to wear and felt comfortable in but it was also in junior school that I decided I no longer wanted long hair so I got it cut short and I loved it! I loved getting rough with the boys playing football and often beating them and I remember someone saying you were better than the boys and that I fitted in with them. It was a time where I wear joggers and football shirts and just being happy in myself.

But then high school came, it wasn’t the best years of my life but it wasn’t the worst. I had my hair short and I remember getting funny looks because I only liked wearing trousers even in the warmer weather because girls were only allowed to wear shorts for PE. There is a distinct time I remember in a music lesson where we had to sit boy girl and I went to the place I was told to sit and then all of a sudden the teacher said you can’t sit there you’re a boy and I said no I’m not I’m a girl, after tooing and frooing she realised I was a girl but it left me uncomfortable and it was at that point I was like I need to fit in so I decided to grow out my hair but it didn’t make me happy in myself although it made it easier at school, to just be able to survive my school career..

In the summer of 2012 before I start my first year at college, I decided that I was going to dress how I wanted and that if anyone had a problem with it then it was their problem. The year after I said I want my hair short again, my family commented on how happy I looked. I was finally free to be myself and embrace it. Of course this wasn’t without some comments and questions that at that time I didn’t want to answer.

I was able to present myself how I wanted to and I was happy. Though my family were worried that I’d get picked on because of it but I said I don’t care, I’ve had enough of trying to please everyone and being what they wanted me to be not who I truly was. During those years, I still felt that to other members of the family I had to present myself in a feminine way which made me unhappy that I couldn't be my true self.

At this point I was wearing what is classed as men's clothes which I hate the label of because when you buy them, they are your clothes. ive always felt for myself that it makes me so much more comfortable and that I can wear what I want with pride without being extremely uncomfortable. 

In the last couple of years, I have been questioning what all this meant, I was assigned female at birth yet I don't feel like I am a girl and then on the other side of the coin, I don't feel that I am a man but somewhat in the middle though I definitely see myself as more masculine in the way I present myself to others. I discovered that there is a word for it; non binary which describes any gender identity which does not fit the male and female binary. It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders that I wasn't this freak that I had been made to feel like and that there are many people in the world like me, a whole community. I had come to terms with my gender identity a year or so ago but it wasn't till last Christmas that I finally decided to come out to my mum and sister, which was a great relief that I wasn't hiding who I am anymore. I showed them a video of what it meant to be non binary and they said yep that's you. In the new year, I came out publicly on social media and I decided I would tell my nan aswell, I was so nervous because I was worried what she would say and what if I couldn't describe how I really felt. So I decided to write her a letter, here is a copy of the letter:


Dear Nana,

You know I’ve always been a little bit different to other girls and that I express myself in a way that is not considered ‘normal’ for a girl. I’ve always felt that I was different and that for a little while I tried to fit in, to be like everyone else, to be like what people wanted me to be.

For a while I’ve been thinking what does it all mean, like yes I’m into all things that are considered masculine and been a bit of a tomboy. I’ve always been sure of my sexuality that I am attracted to men but thinking about my gender. I don’t feel like I am female and I don’t feel like I am male.

I am non binary to be specific trans masculine. Non binary is a term where you don’t fit in to the binary gender box of male and female but most of all I’m just me. I hope this doesn’t change how you think and feel about me, while helping you understand it a little better.